Valuable matter

I want to be someone that my friends can turn to, someone they feel like they can open up to and share anything.  There is this desire to be so necessary and irreplaceable to people that I get hurt when I become dispensable.  Maybe that is why I’m so slow to open up to others, fear of rejection, commitment issues, if you will.  If a friend of mine is in pain, it is hard for me to watch. I have to try and make it better, I have to know I can make a difference in their life. I just want to touch lives. Perhaps I’m concentrating too much energy on too small of an audience.

Too many of my sentences begin with “I”, pet peeve. But does it tell me something about myself. Too far.

I want to matter. Is there any way to matter besides through other people? Only when someone recognizes your value are you deemed valuable.  The secret of life could have been found and then buried because it was simply buried with the rest of them. That is why I seek approval, in the pursuit of matter. This is my only life, I may as well matter to the only ones able to deem me valuable.

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